A tangled Web

A Tangled Web of personality profiles by Sarah Littman

published 12/14/2005

Given that it’s the season of rampant consumerism, impossible parking, and brotherly love (unless you’re in a red state where they don’t hold much truck with that sort of thing) I figured it’s time to take a break from the grievous state of the world. Today I’m going to talk about a writer’s number one activity – procrastination.

See, there’s always something that needs investigation when one is supposed to be going one on one with a blank page. Important, earth shattering things – such as consulting The Underwear Oracle (http://www.blogthings.com/theunderwearoracle/), where you answer questions about the color and style of underwear concealing your nether regions and are then told deep and profound insights about yourself. In my case: “When you're bad, you're very bad. And when you're good, you're still trouble! You're a closet exhibitionist who gets a thrill from being secretly naughty.” And here I though I was a boring suburban mother-of-two. Just don’t tell my kids – I don’t want them to get ideas.

Concerned that the Underwear Oracle revealed me as a naughty kinkster, I decided to take the “How Weird Are You” quiz (Blogthings - How Weird Are You?). I was relieved to find out that despite my closet proclivities, I’m only 30% weird: “not enough to scare other people… but sometimes you scare yourself.” This came as shock to my daughter, who tells me I’m weird on a daily basis, particularly if I sing, dance or breathe in front of her friends. “You’re definitely more than 30% weird,” she told me. “Take the quiz again.”

In high school I was active in drama, so I decided to take the “If you’re life were a movie what genre would it be?” quiz. (http://www.blogthings.com/ifyourlifewasamoviewhatgenrewoulditbequiz/ . Turns out my life is a Black Comedy – “In your life, things are so twisted that you just have to laugh. You may end up insane, but you’ll have fun on the way to the asylum.” This is more than 30% weird; it’s so dead accurate it’s like these guys KNOW me or something.

Over at http://web.tickle.com, I learned that my “holiday theme song” is “Jingle Bell Rock.” The quiz concluded that I was a “go-to person for a good time” (hopefully not in the “For a good time, call Sarah” kind of way) although it wasn’t sure if it is because of my charming personality, my sense of humor, or the fact that I “show up with a fruitcake”. What I want to know is how these people know so much about my dating life.

I’m currently going through a nasty divorce, but if the tabloids are to be believed, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are living in blissful matrimony following their Kabbalah nuptials. Hoping to add a little bliss to my own humdrum life, I checked out Kabbalah Love Calculator . This is not your rabbi’s Kabbalah. You enter your name and it’s analyzed according to some mysterious Kabbalistic principle. I, apparently, am a “3” which mean’s I’m “Ultra organized, Very moral, and helpful or assertive, especially when (I) see something wrong.” I’m trying to work out how being “very moral” jives with my closet kinkiness and exhibitionism – perhaps it’s because I’ll wear kinky underwear, but only for a good cause? Hmm…

The “What kind of troublemaker are you?” quiz concluded that I’m a “Rule-Breaking Revolutionary”, a “wild child in the truest sense”, although I do, apparently “think things out and back up (my) words with action.” This must be true because I obviously thought it out enough to keep my naughty proclivities in the closet.

There’s only so much self-analysis a girl can take; that’s when I turn to the “intellectual” time wasters, because I can pretend I’m doing something high-minded. http://vforvendetta.warnerbros.com/fawkes/hangman.html combines two of my favorite things – history and playing hangman. You have to guess which famous person said a quote before you get strung up from the gallows. Fortunately for the length of my neck, it turns out I’m pretty good at this – my revolutionary, organized, moral-with-a-soupcon-of-kinky brain is full of the witticisms of historical figures.

After consulting my fellow procrastinators – I mean, writing colleagues – I’ve got a new obsession. With the caveat that no real kittens were harmed in the production of this game, I direct your attention to: http://addictinggames.com/kittencannon.html . “Launch the hapless orange kitten into a field filled with bombs, trampolines and kitten-eating venus fly-traps and see how long he lasts.” My dog Sandy and I find this extremely entertaining. But, alas, the blank page awaits. Please send quizzes.